I Represent the Party Party

I AM YOUR CANDIDATE. VOTE FOR ME. VOTE FOR THE PARTY PARTY. MEDIOCRITY AT IT'S BEST.

It is time for a third and maybe fourth party candidate. For you staunch Republican or Democrat voters, I probably won’t sway you. But for those of us who are just befuddled this year about how and why we have the candidates we have, I am offering myself as the candidate for the Party Party. I don’t want the job, but as a life-long martyr, I will take it. My demands are few: a red carpet, a crown, and to be carried around on a throne by four strong men of pleasing appearance.

I have the following qualifications:

1) I have friends in high places (or is that friends who get high? Never can remember)

2) I studied for a term in the then Soviet Union while in college and did not cause an international incident (that I can remember).

3) I don’t have a platform, because I wouldn’t remember it. So with me you know you’ll have someone who will consider each issue carefully each time it is brought up. (And if you remind me to write down my answer, there is a chance my conclusion will be somewhat consistent the next time it is brought up.)

4) I have perseverance. I once was lapped by all other runners in a two lap race. Yet I still finished with dignity. That is my story unless there is a video.

5) I am kind. I once accidentally knocked someone over and helped them up. Yes, I did. And it only took my friend a couple of promptings for me to do so.

6) I understand the issues. People are concerned about 1) crime (I’m against it), 2) terrorism (I’m against it) 3) having a budget (against it, oops, I mean yes) 4) gluten, friend or foe? (I believe this is the primary issue facing our nation and will consider it carefully before deciding a course of action).

7) I am smart. I once completed part of a Rubik’s cube with only a little bit of help.

8) I am here to be served (oops, I mean, to serve).

VOTE FOR ME.

VOTE EARLY. VOTE OFTEN.